Easter Bunny
From Falsipedia
While the exact origins of the Easter Bunny legend, are fuzzy, the truth behind the real 6 foot plus Man Bunny is much more sinister then that of a cute fluffy bringer of treats and eggs.
The first reported sittings of the Man Bunny took place in Celtic Ireland, usually during the Vernal Equinox or Spring Solstice and coincided with the return of life after a hard barren winter. The return of the giant Bunny was a joyous time for the Pagan Celts who would celebrate with lavish festivals. The stories of the Bunnies exploits would be told in poetry and prose as well as in song, it was only later that the name Peter Cotton Tail was attached to the beast.
It wasn't until St. Patrick's conversion of the pagan Celts to Catholicism that the Easter bunny legend began to be widely accepted and believed. St. Patrick and Pope Celestine I both knew that the best way to convert a group of pagans was to incorporate their beliefs into the Catholic teachings. The traditions for the rite of spring became synonymous with rebirth and later were linked to the resurrection of Jesus.
Unfortunately for the Catholics, the Man Beast known only as Peter was indeed real. The bunny did not reject the co-oping of the pagan and Catholic faiths; in fact he embraced it and knew that it would benefit his master plan. Although anxious to begin his world domination the Bunny laid low passing his plan on to his offspring for several centuries until in 1824 when his great great grandson, under the name of Thomas Cadbury, started a business that dealt with the development of a chocolate morning beverage (Later to be know as Quik instant Coco or Nesquik). The company was slow going at first until a revolution in chocolate manufacturing occurred. The Swiss, it seemed had invented a way to make an edible chocolate bar that was much sweeter then Cadbury's chocolate drink and Dark chocolate assortments. Thomas was not amused and he forced his rabbit inventors to work day and night until they came up with a bar that was superior to that of the Swiss. Finally in 1905, the Cadbury labs developed the Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate bar, a far creamier, and sweeter concoction then that of the Swiss. Thomas had thus cemented his legacy in chocolate, but unfortunately was not ready to start his great, great grandfather’s plan.
The next stage of Peter's plan wasn't realized until much later, when the fifth son of Thomas, F. F. (Foo Foo) Cadbury, used the mass chocolate fortune to buy up controlling stocks in the companies that he deemed Holiday providers, such as Hallmark, his rival Hershey, FTD floral and General Mills. (It should be noted that General Mills was not a definer of holiday flair, but the Bunny family did use this company to further expand the image of rabbits into the hearts of children with their Trix Cereal.) Once F. F. had complete control of the decider's of holiday knick knacks, he decided to move on to the last phase of the Bunny master plan.
The ancient rituals of the spring solstice held many other beliefs beside that of the Bunny. One of these traditions had to do with the eating of hard boiled eggs. Since eggs were the start of new life for birds, they were seen as sacred and the pagans honored them. The Catholics also accepted the idea of the egg as important and kept this idea of the honored egg. The one problem with the transition between Paganism and Catholicism was that during the two months of the time period call Lent, eggs could not be consumed, during the fasting, as a way to relate to the Christian Savior. So when the end of Lent was finally at hand Catholics and Christians alike would gorge themselves on eggs leaving vary little room for anything else. The heirs of Peter knew that they could not compete with the egg, even though the Cadbury Company had invented a chocolate and cream filled version, it was still no substitute for the real thing.
F. F. Cadbury, tried several take over bids of the egg industry, a task that would continue to plague the Bunny clan. Largely in part to the strangle hold the head of the Chicken Conglomerate, Colonel Sanders, had over the industry. At one point the bunny clan even tried to defraud the reputation of the egg by linking it to high cholesterol in hopes that its importance would weaken, but to no avail. It wasn't until he had lost all hope and was frustrated beyond belief, that he decided to bring the Sons and Daughters of Peter together in a last ditch effort to eliminate the egg. The collaboration became known as the S.O.P or the Sons of Peter. The Easter Coup started when all of the surviving members of the Peter family line came together and devised a plan to steal all of the colored eggs from every home around the world and hide them, leaving chocolate rabbits and presents from the holiday businesses in their place. While the Coup didn’t stop the world’s love affair with the egg, it did win the hearts and minds of the children, and started a tradition that soon overshadowed the true meaning of Easter.
Now the celebration of Easter is more about eggs and chocolate than whatever it was about when it was first celebrated. Who can resist a cute little bunny hiding eggs and leaving treats? And as seen in the growing waist lines of the world, the chocolate isn't bad either.
